I delete another email about a virtual program that wants me
to enroll to help manage the virtual programs I haven’t yet enrolled in.
I have a Zoom appointment and we touch on what I eat and what I don’t eat
and whether I’ve tried riboflavin yet
and I write magnesium continuously on the back of an envelope
and we get down to brass tacks about caffeine intake.
Brain doctors and mind doctors have no fucking idea what they are treating
but only they have the pills.
What even is a headache if the brain cannot feel pain?
Whatever they are, there are many. And more.
We will try something else.
Since my last medication change there is something new to try.
A new class of migraine meds.
The catch is she said to get it covered by insurance you have to have tried
at least three of the old class and her eyes circle the screen as she opens my chart
ah it’s fine she says actually you’ve tried five this is good this is great
Is this good is this great
I get to go to the office and pick up samples and try them
I drive in
I wear two masks
I like one I dislike another I take them
It’s ok things are ok and then and then and then things are not ok
And of Course
let me ask you
is anyone ok right now
anyone anyone anyone at all
Even the person who made fun of migraines in fucking front of me was she ok
oh no she wasn’t ok
I’m not ok you’re not ok none of us are ok none of us at all
Some time around Thanksgiving I am having so many headaches that I am taking pills every other day and I am only given nine a month and at this rate I’m going to use up the allotted quantity in the prescription and then and then and then what So
I call and ask for another follow-up
And the brain doctor says it’s time to stop treating my head
we are going to treat the air around my head
There are a number of different medications for this and each has its own plusses and minuses
We discuss which one sounds the most promising and I choose the one that offers peace and well-being
The drug is as small as a peppercorn. The drug comes with a large sheet of paper folded many times and printed on both sides with many paragraphs of side effects including weightlessness, tingling, and invisibility.
Well, I sleep so hard I think I haven’t slept. I am invisible, and struggle to drive. I reach the nurse.
Oh no she says. Stop right away. We’ll get you something else. Bye bye now.
The next pill I try I must take twice a day. It is confusing, but slows down time. I have to drink quantities of water so I do not become a stone.
So far it is working.