The Change in Medication

I delete another email about a virtual program that wants me 

to enroll to help manage the virtual programs I haven’t yet enrolled in. 

I have a Zoom appointment and we touch on what I eat and what I don’t eat 

and whether I’ve tried riboflavin yet 

and I write magnesium continuously on the back of an envelope 

and we get down to brass tacks about caffeine intake.

Brain doctors and mind doctors have no fucking idea what they are treating 

but only they have the pills. 

What even is a headache if the brain cannot feel pain? 

Whatever they are, there are many. And more. 

We will try something else.

Since my last medication change there is something new to try. 

A new class of migraine meds. 

The catch is she said to get it covered by insurance you have to have tried

at least three of the old class and her eyes circle the screen as she opens my chart 

ah it’s fine she says actually you’ve tried five this is good this is great

Is this good is this great

I get to go to the office and pick up samples and try them

I drive in

I wear two masks

I like one I dislike another I take them 

It’s ok things are ok and then and then and then things are not ok

And of Course

let me ask you

is anyone ok right now 

anyone anyone anyone at all

Even the person who made fun of migraines in fucking front of me was she ok 

oh no she wasn’t ok 

I’m not ok you’re not ok none of us are ok none of us at all

Some time around Thanksgiving I am having so many headaches that I am taking pills every other day and I am only given nine a month and at this rate I’m going to use up the allotted quantity in the prescription and then and then and then what So

I call and ask for another follow-up

And the brain doctor says it’s time to stop treating my head 

we are going to treat the air around my head

There are a number of different medications for this and each has its own plusses and minuses

We discuss which one sounds the most promising and I choose the one that offers peace and well-being

The drug is as small as a peppercorn. The drug comes with a large sheet of paper folded many times and printed on both sides with many paragraphs of side effects including weightlessness, tingling, and invisibility.

Well, I sleep so hard I think I haven’t slept. I am invisible, and struggle to drive. I reach the nurse.

Oh no she says. Stop right away. We’ll get you something else. Bye bye now.

The next pill I try I must take twice a day. It is confusing, but slows down time. I have to drink quantities of water so I do not become a stone.

So far it is working.